The most wonderful time of the year is a bit of a lively holiday circus — proof that being human and being human in America is a very strange and weird experience. Not a bad one. Not a negative one.

It's just a thing that happens.

A never-ending conversation on hold for an entire year begins to run its course again — just like riding a bike. Commercials have started already? How many groans occurred in America with the sighting of the first Mercedes-Benz Christmas commercial? More than 5 million?

Perhaps more importantly, who is purchasing a Mercedes-Benz as a Christmas gift? Is that just a little bit insane? Holiday music? On the radio?

Yes. it has begun.
Please don't hum it.
I can't believe it.
Did you start shopping yet?
You finished you're shopping?
In November? 

There is mistletoe to hang, lights to be hung, inflatable displays from Walmart and Home Depot placed in the front yard.

Dogs need Santa hats and red sweaters, children become insane, parents become insane, candy cane prices always stay the same. Tree prices always go up. Lights blink.

Seriously. You bought blinking lights? I don't even know how to begin to explain how wrong that is. I'm sorry our friendship is over.

Why, why did you have to buy the blinking lights? Didn't you know? 

Credit card, credit card, credit card. Santa takes Visa, MasterCard, American Express. You can also choose to do the dishes, pay in servitude and time, or even, gasp, layaway. My boxes start piling up in the corner of our tiny little apartment. I can make a tree out of them they pile so high.

The UPS delivery man sees that little smiley Amazon logo in his dreams and nightmares.

They are everywhere and come in so many shapes and sizes. Maybe I should invest in bubble wrap? Where does it come from? Oh no!

I just looked up bubble wrap on Wikipedia. It told me that the inventors were trying to make a three-dimensional plastic wallpaper and it failed! That may be the best thing I've ever read on Wikipedia. 

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